Meu Circo

I've revisted Live Journal after such a long time as a friend uses this site and I need to come her to read her blog. I'm currentl blogging here:

imeldabrasil.blogspot.com

That's where I am in the internet world. As for the real world... I don't have a clue!

I'm going back to my old site to blog. No point in paying for it if I'm not using it.

www.kookyjar.com

And from there... who knows? ;-)

 

I am seriously considering doing this:

http://www.junglemarathon.com

I found this website 1-2 weeks ago, thought it was interesting and made a mental note it. Tonight I talked it through with Noni and I came to realise that it could actually be possible. I'm going to try to get sponsorship to pay my costs and will also try to get people to sponsor me to do it and raise some money for a charity (which one I have no idea yet).

I think this would be great for me as deep-down, I believe I can do it (the 100km marathon). I'm an active person, with the right advice and guidance I should be physically fit enough to do it. It would be great to have something definite to work towards also be a wonderful sense of acomplishment. And yes, another excuse to go back to my beloved Brazil. ;-)

Who wants to join me?

I BLAME CITZ!!!!

Surprisingly, writing about myself is extremely difficult at this moment in time. Who would have thought that? I don't know if I have too many issues in my head to sort though and to put into little boxes... or if I just don't want to face up to anything in my life. I have felt a strong mental block recently and I'm not sure how to get through it. Or if I want to. I'm not making any sense am I? *le sigh*

Not even a home-made song can draw myself out of me.

Shakira speaking Portuguese (at the MTV EMAs) is one of the most delightful things I have heard in recent weeks. And I am happy that I am able to understand a lot of what she is saying. And she speaks with a lovely Brazilian Portuguese accent rather than a European Portuguese one. Me too!

I was going to update but then Citz started talking to me on MSN and giving me a hard time (for not booking Fugees concert tickets yet). So blame her for this piss-poor blog.

I wish I could enjoy my youngness and not have to fret about money, bills, debts, the future etc. etc. As it is, my mammy does not pay everything for me so I must take care of myself.

And I have been with headaches since 5am this morning. Grrrr! Roll on British Summertime!

...coming soon. I have the Brazilian Party (with pics-ish) and the secret Shakira gig!

Woo!

I find it ridiculous that at 4:20pm, I can look outside and all I see is darkness. And we've still got a long way to go until we reach the Winter Equinox (despite people saying that Christmas will be here before we know it) so I've got another 6/7 weeks of this before our daylight starts to come back. I'm such a miserable cow at this time of year that it's surprising that I haven't been forced into hibernation in order to save the sanity of everyone around me. Or have my mouth stapled shut.

And now it's raining. Done on purpose of course to make MY life harder (everything's all about me don'tchaknow?). It makes me want to not have a social life at the moment but I can't abandon that. As I said to Flatmate last night: "I'm still young, I want to do young things". When MJ left London I quickly realised how uneventful my life could be at times and how it doesn't reflect me in any way, shape or form. So I temporarily addressed that this weekend past and I shall start as I mean to go on. Tonight I'm going the the theataaaaaah!

I just need to not feel sick now.

I was going to write an update but then a friend called me and we spoke for over 2 hours. Now I'm very sleepy, my tummy feels achy and I badly need too wee.

What a shame, I had so much to say. Although I will briefly say: Friday night - Marcelo D2 performing at a Brazilian party in the West End, and private intimate Shakira gig on Sunday which I won tickets for!!! Bring on my weekend!

I meant to say: Yes, the Job is no more. I don't want to get into it here but lets just says that we (me and the company) mutually agreed to part ways. My friends all tell me that it was a "blessing in disguise". I agree. I've been a little worried that I won't find a job by the time my notice & holiday period pass, but since yesterday afternoon, I'm confident that I'll get SOMETHING. I don't mind temping for a while. That way I'm not expected to devote my life, blood, sweat, tears, other kidney, pint of blood to a career in a certain company when the career I really want is something completely different! The agency will also get me security cleared so I can apply for better paid jobs in the (near) future.

Once I sort out the job I can take up my neighbour's offer and record something in his home studio. And get back to the gym. I know I'm chubbing up. I don't have a routine and I rushing around all over the place trying to find a job so I don't go to my workout classes anymore. I've also realised that all of the things I'm stressing about (apart from job) can be sorted out if I just make that damn trip to the bank to simply consolidate all my outgoings into one. Less to worry about, less to pay out each month. I just keep putting it off because I hate facing up the the reality - of everything. I prefer to be denial about everything bad in my life. I need to stop doing that.

The plan for the next few months is: Find employment, go to bank, go to gym, write & record some music. This also includes my Birthday resolutions below.

As ofr right now: It's not very sunny today, I'm bored, I have nothing to do and I am still a bit wary about spending too much money, so I can't even go shopping. Gym it is then (pre-paid membership!).

I miss performing and I miss learning. Not only does everything stop for the summer, but I've been too preoccupied and stressed looking for a new job. I have a lot of free time on my hands now but right now I have to be responsible and and find a job by then end of August. Mid-September at the latest.

I haven't been going to the gym either because there is no routine in my life right now and I physically don't feel good about that.
I have a lot of job appointments tomorrow, but I will/must do something. Do a class at the gym or go to the dance studio.

I need to dance.

Today is my birthday, so I expect you all to be nice to me (and PayPal lots of money my way!).

Here is my list of birthday resolutions to achieve by the end of the year:


reach 59 kilos/126 lbs weight

write & recordi a song(s)

go to Brathil

sing live somewhere

take more tap & breakdance classes

become better on the piano

Feel free to give me a hard time so I stick to this. I will post photographic proof of me achieving all this by the end of ther year.

I know that the majority of people (i.e. 3) who read this blog don't like children in any way, shape or form However, I'm going to be a big mad rebel (oh errrr) and post a picture of my "Sorta-Nephew" here:

So, why my "Sorta-Nephew"? Long story sort: Brother & his girlfriend had a Break. She got pregnant by other guy.  Brother and his girlfriend get back together but split up again before the baby is born. Baby is baptized and my brother is his Godfather.

It's the cloest I'll get to being an aunt until either Older Sister gets married or Younger Sister get pregnant.

As for me? My mother's shocked that I told I won't have babies until I'm in my thirties. That's IF I have babies.

 

I WILL update! Stuff has happened since the last joural entry. I've had a lot on my mind. Espcially in the past week.

Typical... I NEED to sleep right now, but I also want to write a lot and be all creative and stuff!

I LOVE MJEOL radio >> http://www.loudcity.net/tabid/88/ctl/viewStation/mid/407/StationID/130/Default.aspx

And I ADORE Michael Jackson's "They Don't Care About Us". Who dares to say that this man was only a genius in the 80's???!!!

I can't sleep at the moment. I tried to but my mind is too busy. It's always the way. I "wake up" at 1am and decide that I wasnt to do lots of stuff but I can't because I have to get up in the morning for work.

I've listened to "Simple Kind of Life" by No Doubt and I have spent all day feeling like I HAVE to write about it as I love this song and it's one of my favourite ND videos. I having one of those "Oh My Gosh, I Like, Totally Indentify With These Lyrics" moments. I don't want to get married right now or have a child but, some of the lyrics are ME when it comes to "Matters of the Heart". In the past & right now. How I act and react with encounters of the opposite sex. How I am. The first verse especially is something that could have been wrote by me, and I'm gutted that someone beat me to it.

Here are the lyrics for your perusal, significant lines in bold blah blah blah...


"Simple Kind Of Life"

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

I also think that "Sometimes I wish for a mistake" is one of the most brilliant and honest song lyrics - EVER!

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I wish I knew more stuff. I wish that the information on my CV meant I would be suitable for more than just admin jobs.

If I were to change jobs, or if they were to change me I could get temping work. I've even seen a few suitable prospects so I know the work is out there. However do I want to go from office job to office job for the rest of my life. Those who know me know that I am aiming for a career as a performer, songwriter, musician etc. and I hope to God that the regular 9-5 is not forever. I can't help but wonder if it's possible to do something slightly more creative than the general admin work I am doing now, yet still receive the same salary. BTW: A drop in salary is not possible. I've added up all my outgoings and I need something similiar to what I'm earning now.

I reached the end of my ponderings. If this job ended tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I could find something else. Even temporary work would do (which a friend has suggested I do as I have been depressed about my current working situation for a while now). Must I hop from office job to office job? Can't there be a little bit of creative in there?

Another thing, why should I be more deserving of my dream job and not someone else?

When I was 16 I decided impulsively to call the biggest radio station in my country and sing an MJ song on air. It was part of the Friday night show. 3 - 4 people sing on air and everyone votes for their favourite. The winner won.. nothing.

I didn’t need any encouragement, I did it just because I wanted to and I wasn’t nervous or dreading my turn to sing.

Six years later and a lot has changed. I still love to sing, I hope to do it professionally someday soon. However I am cursed my fear everytime I open my mouth. I dread going to auditions, I dreaded waiting for my turn to sing in the gospel workshop, I dread opening my mouth and singing in public.

I wonder how things changed so much. What happened to me that I went from game enough to sing on national radio to fucking up while singing with a couple of musicians in a studio?

How can I ever hope to have a career when I can’t even perform the most basic task of the job?

(BTW: I came second in the phone vote. 2 votes behind a guy who sang a Beatles *yawn* song!)

I've just come back from a Tori Amos booksigning in my (extended) lunchbreak.

I got my book signed, I got a hug, I almost stood on her foot... and I am happy. She is beautiful and lovely!

I have some pics, I will upload them when I am home.